Monday, June 20, 2005
B4 Reading Answer This--- Yes/No
Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money.
The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him.
The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.""I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea".
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar,
"Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is Really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar,
"I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.
But he still had his doubts and asked the man,
"Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."
~~~~A MAN WITHOUT BAD HABITS LOOK LIKE BEGGAR.~~~~
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.
thenI wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you areMental hospital is not so far.
TEACHER== Name four members of the cat family?
STUDENTS== Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens !
Police man== Stop, stop, your headlights are not working.
The Man== Move, move, even the brakes are not working.
Why does history keep repeating it self?
Because we weren't listening the first time !
A sardar ji pulled out 6 people from a burning house...still he was in jail.......why?
coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff !
"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play theviolin after the operation?"
"yes of course...."
"Great ! i never could before"
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why dosen't it rain on you?
When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him tofree u from darkness
and if after you pray and yourstill in darkness,
please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !
Thursday, June 16, 2005
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.#
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it.
The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
Monday, June 13, 2005
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.Finally, the other man said:"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.Later, my father married my stepdaughter.That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"
Sunday, June 12, 2005
oh! the last 20 years has gone so sooner,
The great college days, I started remembering,
Seems like only yesterday I finished engineering.
Seeing my class mates, after 20 years,
My eyes were filled with tears,
Everyone has changed a lot,
No one escaped nature's plot.
Guys who were smart and handsome,
have become bald and buxom,
Girls who used to fill our dreams,
Almost brought out screams.
Saw the girl, whom once I thought as my life,
oops!, today she is somebody else's wife,
after years, talked to her for a little while,
learned she is happy, that made me smile :-)
Entered our class' Mr. Romeo,
Who has played many a cameo
We started teasing him together,
About what all he did to-get-her,
Project reviews to campus interviews,
Nicknames to last bench games,
Cultural rehearsals to love proposals,
Short term crushes to class room blushes.
Everything was fresh in our mind,
Wished life could rewind,
Laughed, played and rejoiced,
Once again we became girls and boys.
Chatting and laughing, we all were in elation,
Till the painfull moment of seperation,
It was time to part,
returned with a heavy heart.
Today life is full of commitments,
And too many worries,
But those cherished moments,
Will live forever in our memories.........
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"